So I recently fell in love with this guy... Bang Cheol Yong or Mir of MBLAQ, a K-pop group. He is the maknae (youngest member) and rapper.

He is so adorable and charming and cute and I just want to look at him everyday!

Yeah, yeah... I use to hate their music but this group is just so funny, I enjoy watching their shows and MVs.

You should see him when he raps, OMYGOD. He is just too hot. <3

Untitled feelings 01

I didn't feel your loss until I saw that plane ticket, first hand.

I mean, sure, we talked about you leaving and stuff but it never hit me like this... It just occured to me that I might never see you again. Like ever.

There's that possibility that once that plane took you to that foreign land, what happened between us will just be stories. Stories of what could have been's.

Is this the feeling of having the One That Got Away?

I think so.

You asked me why I cried. It is just so funny because at first, your departure is the answer to the problems you brought when you "accidentally" bumped into my very colorful life. I was like "he'll be gone and things will go back to normal".

How wrong I was. How could it be when everytime I walk in that busy street, all I can think of is you and how you lured me into agreeing to accompany me home with candies?

How could I be normal when everytime it rains, I will see you running towards me with an umbrella, worried sick?

How could I be normal when everytime I'm stressed, I will remember you treating me to a pizza party, sharing all your crazy strories at work and making me laugh?

How could I be normal when I will not be able to walk in a carnival without remembering how you exerted all efforts just to win me a prize and how I laughed at you when you can't move because of fear during the ferris wheel ride?

And how could I be normal when all I remember is how we laughed at your stalker tendencies and how endearing you are to my family and maybe they fell for you harder than I could?

I cried because I will miss you.

I cried because at one point, i thought that those car rides will never end and that you will always have my back.

But it ended. And you will leave me with the memories of being the girl you said you fell in love with.

And it sucks and it hurts...bad.

Last night, I wished for you

Last night and all other nights, I wished for you.

But the stars and fallen eyelashes and 11:11 wishes do not seem to agree with me, they must all think I am crazy for wishing you while you are fast asleep in your bed without a care in the world.

But yeah, that’s just me. Believer of magic and love and all other things that people outgrew of.

I believe that someday when I traverse the streets of my favorite cities you will be there holding my hand and happily eating an ice cream cone with me. Or when I just want to chill and drink coffee, you’ll be drinking a latte or two with me.

I believe that our small talks about work, the weather or where our shuttle home is will become conversations about our future, dreams last night, crazy dinner fiascos and Christmas gifts to our moms and dads. Yeah, I’m crazy like that.

I also believe that your timid smile when I look at you across that sea of people will always be a smile for me and your eyes will always twinkle when you talk about me to your peers because that’s what I’ve become since I met you.

I believe that all these and more will come true… if not now, I bet the stars, fallen eyelashes and 11:11 wishes will finally, finally whisper in your ear that I wished for you last night and is constantly doing so for all other nights.

Wish for me too, maybe?

Last.

I am having suicidal thoughts.

A while ago, I was contemplating to put the insect killer on my drink and then I cried. I mean, I'm so scared of what my mind is telling me and I'm scared that I may be bold enough to act on it. I feel like I am the only one left to deal with all these.

I know that I did this. This is my fault... I made them angry but I am still her child, aren't I? Sabi niya ako raw talaga ang nagpapahamak sa kanya. Simula bata pa ako, ako na ang laging nagpapahamak sa kanya. Well, okay. Is that the reason why she's doing this to me? I wish I was never born... siguro mas magiging masaya siya kasi mawawala na ako.

I really think I should act... I really feel that this is the only way that I'll get through this. I want to end this suffering, I want to end their suffering.

Ang gusto ko, makalimutan na niya lahat ng sakit na ibinigay ko sa kanya... ang gusto ko mawala na lang ako sa aalala niya.

Mukhang mas maganda nga 'yun. Mukhang mas okay 'yun.

Good bye. 

Schmedule

My schedule is one heck of a roller-coaster. And I do not mean it in a fun way.

I do work on weekends, and at first it was okay but then its really taking a toll on my physical, mental and social health. For one, I had fever last week because of lack of sleep, and my right lower eyelid is kinda twitching in a very annoying way plus my eyes are sooo dry it's like a desert.

Second, my mental health is kinda edgy. I feel sad all the time, I feel paranoid and there are times that I want to punch the van drivers on my way to work, all that because I lack sleep and I feel like a jellyfish-- all the fucking time. And yeah, my money is getting pretty low in the bank... so I'm going crazy.

Third, I do not have a social life. It's just fortunate that my boyfriend (boyfriend today, not again tomorrow) visits me every two weeks because if he won't then I will be a hermit for the rest of my life. And that sucks because my college seatmate/ best friend in school's birthday is on the 26th and I don't know if I'll be free by then.

So yeah. And I've been putting off my redecorating because of weekend work and I just hope that they won't make us do that in the weekend...

Enough is enough PT.1

When do you say when enough is enough? And when do you say no? 

A friend once told me that I must learn to say "No" to things that do not benefit me or is quite unfair to me. Don't get me wrong, I know when things start to get unfair or when people are taking advantage... it's just that, I find it hard to turn a favor down or say No when things get a little out of hand (and by out of hand, I get sucked on something I do not approve of). 

There are many things that I want to say "No" to. 

First things first, shall we? 

Work. 

I do not mean work per se, I mean, the work given to me. Here's the thing, I work five days a week, and on that days, I do editing of monitoring reports until 9 p.m. On weekends, I stay at home but do editing of monitoring reports until 9 p.m. again. At first, when the bosses talked to me about it, I thought "why not?", copyreading and proofreading, I'm trained for that stuff. Plus, the other girl at the office was going to help me. So I accepted... and we worked out a schedule. It's going to be alternated between the two of us, and on the weekends, I'll do one day, and she'll do the other, Sunday for example. So it was going smoothly on the first day... the bosses did not require me to report at the office since I have to work until 9. Then the next day, I noticed that the other girl was not receiving any messages for editing. Everyone thought that the deal didn't work out, that we will not continue with the set-up. Fine by me, I don't want to stay up 'till 9 anyways. 

The next day, they called me and asked if I was the one who will do the monitoring reports, I was at the office that day. I agreed, maybe there was a lapse on the schedule and they're redoing it, so I edited reports on my home, on our family dinner, and before I went to bed. Saturday came, texts came flooding again so I did the work again... then Sunday, I was expecting that no reports will come to me since I already did my part on Saturday, but boy was I wrong! I still did the work. 

That was only the first phase... let me tell you the other phase... 

When everybody thought that the editing did not work, the boss told us that we are in-charge of doing the briefer every morning. We have to submit it by 6 am. What to do? Boss' orders... that night, I worked on it and passed it to the bosses by 6 am. The next day, Saturday, I was confused whether we're still doing the briefer on weekends but as there were still news about the issue we're handling, I did it and submitted the paper past 10. Nobody seems to be doing it so I did it, I do not want the boss to reprimand us. Then Sunday, I didn't do the briefer, I do not want to get up early on a Sunday. Besides, there are two of us so I was counting that the other girl will do the briefer... so I was doing my thing when suddenly the boss texted and asked who will do the briefer for that day. I said that I already did the briefer for 2 consecutive days, so he said that I tell the other girl that she'll do the briefer Sunday and Monday. I texted her, no response. Then the boss called and asked me to do the briefer instead because the other girl is apparently not picking up, so I did. It was alright at first, then I saw a Facebook post that made me so angry, I restrained myself to text, chat or call her. 

Today, work was suspended due to inclement weather but monitoring reports still flood my phone. The boss asked if the other girl is responding to my messages and I said, yes. He said that he hasn't received a single text from her since Saturday so if I could please do the work (of course he did not say that directly, he just hinted). I did. 

But these monitoring reports are killing me! The other girl is supposed to help me but she is not picking up when the bosses call her. And I couldn't say no. The only thing I want to do is to shout at her because I am freaking tired of doing all the work while she shares and likes pictures on Facebook! 

...The next thing that I couldn't say "No" will be on the next post. :) 

Three things I learned in Journalism

Four years. Four years of commuting to UST from our house in Caloocan and later on in Antipolo. Numerous bus, jeepney, tricycle and train rides. Too many writing assignments and paper works that I've lost count and too many nights of companionship with my laptop and coffee... 

Four years of never-ending lessons after lessons, professors after professors and yet I've only learned three things. Yeah, just three things that I will bring throughout this profession... (If I will really pursue it). 

1. You have to be "clear, concise and consistent" in writing
• My late professor, Sir Niel Lim, said this during one of our class. In writing, one do not have to be wordy or write a lengthy piece in order to for it to be a good piece. As long as your message is clear to your readers, then the better. One must write in a concise manner to avoid boring the readers and for them to grasp what your article is all about. Also, one must be consistent in writing, so as not to confuse readers on what you're really talking about. If you stand negatively on a certain issue, let it be that way. If you are against something, have conviction to defend your side. No gray areas. 
2. "You are judged by your present article. If that article is crap, then you're a crap writer" 
• Again, Sir Niel said this in one of our class. He taught us to accept criticisms positively and learn from it. In this profession, there is no such thing as better luck next time or "pwede na". A journalist must give his 110% in this profession because what we're doing is not just writing for the sake of it but writing for the people... If one wrote an article that cannot be considered an article then he/she must evaluate oneself on why did things crash down like that... It cannot be said that it is okay that one article is crap because the previous articles have been superb because as far as journalists go, yesterday's article was stale already. 
3. "There is no such thing as objectivity in writing" 
• Sir Ian Esguerra, on of our professors broke the rules that journalists are following. One, he is a self-confessed arrogant person. Also he is very shy. Which according to him is a lethal combination, lethal in a way that it must not be the attitude of journalists. Also, he taught us that objectivity is bogus. Yes, bogus. According to him, every person, journalist or not has his/her own bias. It is not important in journalism to be free of bias and write objectively because that sort of thing does not really happen... what is important is that a journalist must report the truth and the truth only. And I believe him. If I would be tasked to write an article on a certain issue with which I am against, I will have to evoke a certain emotion while writing it. That emotion is evidence of my own bias.However, if I will write it and tell the people the truth about the issue, whether it may slant positively or negatively is not a big deal. As long as one report according to the truth and the truth alone, objectivity will remain in its place-- out of the picture.