I am having suicidal thoughts.
A while ago, I was contemplating to put the insect killer on my drink and then I cried. I mean, I'm so scared of what my mind is telling me and I'm scared that I may be bold enough to act on it. I feel like I am the only one left to deal with all these.
I know that I did this. This is my fault... I made them angry but I am still her child, aren't I? Sabi niya ako raw talaga ang nagpapahamak sa kanya. Simula bata pa ako, ako na ang laging nagpapahamak sa kanya. Well, okay. Is that the reason why she's doing this to me? I wish I was never born... siguro mas magiging masaya siya kasi mawawala na ako.
I really think I should act... I really feel that this is the only way that I'll get through this. I want to end this suffering, I want to end their suffering.
Ang gusto ko, makalimutan na niya lahat ng sakit na ibinigay ko sa kanya... ang gusto ko mawala na lang ako sa aalala niya.
Mukhang mas maganda nga 'yun. Mukhang mas okay 'yun.
Good bye.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Schmedule
My schedule is one heck of a roller-coaster. And I do not mean it in a fun way.
I do work on weekends, and at first it was okay but then its really taking a toll on my physical, mental and social health. For one, I had fever last week because of lack of sleep, and my right lower eyelid is kinda twitching in a very annoying way plus my eyes are sooo dry it's like a desert.
Second, my mental health is kinda edgy. I feel sad all the time, I feel paranoid and there are times that I want to punch the van drivers on my way to work, all that because I lack sleep and I feel like a jellyfish-- all the fucking time. And yeah, my money is getting pretty low in the bank... so I'm going crazy.
Third, I do not have a social life. It's just fortunate that my boyfriend (boyfriend today, not again tomorrow) visits me every two weeks because if he won't then I will be a hermit for the rest of my life. And that sucks because my college seatmate/ best friend in school's birthday is on the 26th and I don't know if I'll be free by then.
So yeah. And I've been putting off my redecorating because of weekend work and I just hope that they won't make us do that in the weekend...
I do work on weekends, and at first it was okay but then its really taking a toll on my physical, mental and social health. For one, I had fever last week because of lack of sleep, and my right lower eyelid is kinda twitching in a very annoying way plus my eyes are sooo dry it's like a desert.
Second, my mental health is kinda edgy. I feel sad all the time, I feel paranoid and there are times that I want to punch the van drivers on my way to work, all that because I lack sleep and I feel like a jellyfish-- all the fucking time. And yeah, my money is getting pretty low in the bank... so I'm going crazy.
Third, I do not have a social life. It's just fortunate that my boyfriend (boyfriend today, not again tomorrow) visits me every two weeks because if he won't then I will be a hermit for the rest of my life. And that sucks because my college seatmate/ best friend in school's birthday is on the 26th and I don't know if I'll be free by then.
So yeah. And I've been putting off my redecorating because of weekend work and I just hope that they won't make us do that in the weekend...
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